Two Worlds [Xbox 360]

Believe it or not (and based on my previous game reviews I guess not believing it is more likely) it is rare that I find a game I genuinely don't like. I mean normally I'll slate a game for being crap but in truth I wouldn't blame someone for enjoying it, I mean I don't slap people for paying Counter Strike even though I'd rather get raped by an inbred hill billy with aids than play (a.k.a suffer it's arsehole of a "community" it seems to pride it's self on) it because I can understand how getting your head shot off by some cock with a God complex might be entertaining to someone if they have a thing for throwing PC accessorise out of windows. So yeah, I'd consider myself open minded to that extent, but alas there are games I can't fathom me or others playing, there is a list actually (Killzone, Shadow the Hedgehog, and Evil Twin to name a few) and none of these games are based purely on the fact I didn't like the genera, or the story or something, the hatred for these games goes much deeper than my personal preference and instead is based on bad game play, boring designs, lack of creativity, horrid glitches or just laziness on the development end. So, the game I want to rip a new one today?

Yup, the game is called Two Worlds but I've done some checking and even though the logo makes it look like the second game in a series no game came before it, and in truth if one had there wouldn't be a second.

So, what's wrong with this game? God where to start...

I played the 360 version but apparently the PC version scored a little higher in reviews and the games set for PS3 next year, so keep that in mind if you don't agree with my opinion based on the other platforms, as for 360 players who think it's a good game...seriously...I wanna slap you silly.

Anyway, the bad things! Let's start with the CD sound! As we all know a 360 reading a CD is a little...well...let's just say we all turn the TV volume up. This isn't a major problem in most games though cause most of the loading is done in small chunks, not for Two Worlds though! The CD genuinely never stopped loading the whole time I played it, I thought my 360 was dieing and even tested 4 other games in the drive to check. Every time I turned my character to face another direction my CD drive would die a little inside.


Then we have the issue of frame-rate. Now there is a reason I love console gaming. When I buy a game for my laptop in it's current state 90% of the time even if I have the right specs, I can't run the game very well. On a console if I buy a game I can expect it to run, once again not Two Worlds! Indoors the frame rate must have been running at a good 30fps, but the second I stepped outside the frame rate would die, sometimes I couldn't have been getting higher than 5fps if there were too many monsters on screen, it was like running Doom 3 on Windows 3.1!

The controls next, these were sloppy, and I don't mean not very intelligent positions for buttons or something, I mean to cast a spell I'd pull my trigger and wait up to 3 or 4 seconds for the game to register I wanted to fire my spell, by which point the monster had moved and I was shooting fire at the floor while getting raped by an Ork in the ear! Sword swinging was almost as bad so it seemed unlikely it was some kind of 'casting time delay' and I tried with 2 game pads so it wasn't a hardware issue (one wireless and one wired too).


Audio we'll tackle this time! Music wasn't bad, monster and battle sounds were good too, I thought this would be the one area I couldn't knock the game...then I spoke with an NPC. They genuinely speak like their reading the script for the first name with no real emotion in their voices and use 'Ye Old English' but it feels out of place and at times like their making it up. I genuinely had to turn off the audio at times and just read the subtitles...well I tried but that leads onto our next issue:

GUI! Yup, Graphical User Interface! This for me and a lot of people is a make or break point in a game, WoW and Everquest, both amazing games, but WoW has the best GUI so guess which game I'm currently selling my soul too in monthly instalments? Two Worlds GUI is never really explained in-game and it's one of those games where you NEED it explained to you. The back pack is hard to find your way around, comparing items stats is impossible without a HD TV (and before you complain that I'm knocking a game for it's use of High Def, yes I am, because most of us can't afford HDTV’s yet so fuck off!) as well as most subtitles meaning you have to listen to that horrid audio!


Game play was drab, first they send you into a dungeon, which consists of 2 rooms and about 4 monsters to kill...fair enough. The problem comes when you walk outside after an easy dungeon and even walking on paths you presume are safe you get attacked by everything including pigs which kick your level 1 ass into the dirt and piss on your grave. Equipping higher level stuff is almost impossible without a HDTV or lucky guess work and even if your the best fighter, the game doesn’t pause when you talk to NPC’s meaning you can come out of a conversation with an Imp chewing on your left butt cheek cause your 3 feet too far for a guard to be bothered to walk. Prepare to die...a LOT.

Story...eh...this is where I can't genuinely give you a review...cause the game was so horrid even though I forked out £30 for it, I've played it no more than 3 times cause it's so unplayable. I genuinely thing with a HDTV and the console power of a PS3 or a high end PC (and maybe a few game Mods) it could be fun, but as far as the 360 version goes this is a horrid game though and though. If you want a free roaming fantasy hack & slash to play, pick up Oblivion Game of the Year Edition or something, it's not amazing but hell, it's vastly better than this crap and the best you'll get unless the stick Gothic 3 on 360 one day (you'll hear me singing the praises of that as soon as I get a PC that can run it!).

So yeah...don't buy it...and don't trust this trailer: